Relationships Without Hard Work

When the mind becomes still, we feel love

I’ve been married to my husband, John, since 2011. Over the years, I’ve come to realize more and more how simple love is when we know where it comes from. Not simple because everything always goes smoothly, but because love doesn’t require hard work. Love only requires that we see its true nature.

Before I came to understand The Three Principles, I believed that a good relationship was the result of persistent effort: good communication, compromise, and the courage to resolve conflicts. Over time, I’ve come to realize that love isn’t the result of what we do. It’s who we are.

Love is not a state of being, because states come and go. Love is our very essence. It exists before all thoughts, before our emotions, and before the stories we tell about ourselves and each other. When I realize this, love is not something we need to find or receive from another person. It lives within us as our very being. When John and I know this, we can enjoy our life together without having to keep alive something that is already alive within us.

From a Lack of Care to Care Everywhere

A few weeks ago, I came home from a long business trip. I had missed John, our home, and the cozy feeling of sitting together on the couch with a cup of tea. When I walked into the living room, I noticed that the leaves on several of our plants were drooping. They were dry and almost wilted. A thought flashed through my mind: “John has forgotten to water them again.”

I felt my irritation growing. It felt so real, as if the plants and John had caused it. But then it dawned on me that what I was feeling wasn’t reality. They were thoughts in a weary mind that were temporarily clouding my natural calm.

I started laughing, picked up the watering can, and let the water seep into the ground. And as I stood there watering, my irritation subsided. I was able to see things with fresh eyes. John had done a lot of other things while I was away. He had cleaned up, mowed the lawn, gone grocery shopping, and was in the middle of building a new patio for us. 

My experience of a lack of care turned into an experience of care everywhere. The love hadn't been gone. I'd just been too tired to feel it.

A gentle, natural way of being

That is how the principle of Thought works. Every experience we have is shaped by the thoughts we experience in our consciousness. When our mind is calm, we see the world clearly and kindly. When the mind is restless or tired, we see through a veil. 

But the reality behind our thoughts never changes. Just as the sun does not disappear even when clouds occasionally cover it, love does not disappear even when thoughts and bad moods temporarily cloud our minds.

Consciousness brings our thoughts to life. It gives them color, shape, and feeling. It allows us to experience love, but also anger, irritation, and sadness. When we understand that what we feel are fleeting thoughts that come to life in our consciousness, we feel a sense of freedom. We can let our emotions flow without believing that they reveal the truth about us or our partner.

And behind all of this—behind thoughts and feelings, behind our experience of the world—lies the principle of Mind. The living intelligence that creates all life. It is the quiet presence that never changes. The flow of life that carries us, even when we forget it. From there springs all love—not the personal love that is fickle and shifts in form and direction, but the love from which all life originates.

When I forget this, and my mind is filled with thoughts, I may believe that love is gone and needs to be rekindled, repaired, or proven. But as soon as my thoughts settle, I feel it again. Not as a feeling, but as a stillness. Like a gentle, natural presence behind it all.

Love is who we are

Sydney Banks pointed out that we live within the experience of our own thoughts. When I truly see this, it becomes clear that John is never the source of my happiness or my frustration. He is simply a human being who, like me, experiences life through his stream of thoughts. And when we both settle down, we meet where love awaits: beyond thoughts, beyond moods, beyond the temporary.

A relationship that doesn’t require hard work doesn’t mean you never disagree. It means you understand that disagreements don’t have the power to harm love. Because love isn’t something that needs to be maintained. It’s who we are before thoughts even enter our minds.

When my mind becomes still, I feel love again. Not as something I feel for John, but as who I am, and as the source of everything. From that stillness, we can live together effortlessly, without demands, without the need to improve.

Love doesn't require our effort. 

All it needs is for us to step aside.