THE ILLUSION OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM

Written by Natasha Swerdloff

Is self-esteem something we need to build, or something that already resides within us?

Many of us have grown up with the idea that self-esteem is something we have toworkto achieve. It’s something that can be low or high, depending on our experiences, how others have treated us, and what we think of ourselves. If we feel insecure, the advice might be:“Youneed to improve your self-esteem!” or “You need to learn to believe in yourself more!”

But what if that well-intentioned advice is based on a misunderstanding? What if self-esteem isn't something we need to build, but something we already have—or rather, something we alreadyare?

Imagine a beautiful, clear lake. When the water is still, you can see the bottom, where everything lies in its natural order. If you stir up the water, it becomes murky and opaque. The lake’s depth and beauty haven’t disappeared; they’re simply hidden from view by the disturbances on the surface.

The same is true of our sense of self-worth. When we get caught up in self-critical thoughts or overthink the way others see us, it feels as though we aren’tenough. But we haven’t suddenly become less worthy. What has happened is simply that our minds have become restless, and we’ve lost touch with what always lies beneath our thoughts: our innate sense of well-being and the feeling that we are enough.

Self-esteem is not an achievement

If self-esteem really were something we had tobuild up, how would that work? Would we have to collect positive experiences and compliments and place them on a mental shelf so we could take them out when we needed them? What would happen when something unexpected happened to us? What if we lost a job, were rejected, or were criticized by someone? It might feel as if that shelf had been torn down, and that we weren’t good enough.

But self-worth isn’t something we have to work to achieve, nor is it something that can be taken away from us. Our fundamental worth remains the same, whether we’re having a good day or a bad one, whether we succeed or fail, and whether others recognize us or not. 

From the perspective of the Three Principles, a person with “high self-esteem” is not someone who has struggled to achieve a sense of self or consciously built a resilient core. Rather, it is a person who is not trapped in the illusion of being capable of lacking value. People with high self-esteem may have self-critical thoughts, but they don’t take them too seriously. They know that their thoughts do not define them, and that they don’t need todoanything to beenough.

You are what you're looking for

When we let go of the illusion that self-esteem is something we have to build up and can lose again, something incredibly liberating happens. We realize that we don’t need to chase after high self-esteem or work to strengthen it. Instead, we can relax and let our thoughts settle, so we can feel what has always been there: a quiet, unshakable sense of beingokay, no matter what life brings.

So the next time you feel like you lack self-esteem, consider this: Could it be that your thoughts in this moment are creating an illusion? That this feeling of inadequacy isn’t the truth about you, but merely a passing mental storm?

Just like a lake that always has clear water beneath the surface, you always have your full worth beneath the thoughts that might tell you all sorts of other things. You don’t need tofindyour self-worth. You simply need to realize that it has never been gone.